


I think about him every now and again

by momentsintimex



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Grief/Mourning, kind of? alana and zoe are friends, post-death talks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 05:17:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15923645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex
Summary: If it were up to her, Zoe would start school again as if nothing had happened, without the stares and the small comments and the piles of excused work she had missed while she was out. She wouldn’t have to tell her teachers that she’s fine, she could ignore the fact that Connor dying is by far the worst thing to ever happen to her.If she had to admit that, she’s pretty sure she’d never stop crying.--Zoe returns to school and is paired on a project with Alana Beck. For the first time since Connor's death, she's faced with her feelings about him being gone.





	I think about him every now and again

**Author's Note:**

> title of fic from Nightmares by All Time Low
> 
> set in the weeks after Connor's suicide.

Zoe Murphy lives in a world where her brother is dead.

It wasn’t some tragic accident or some unfortunate incident that left the whole town reeling or left her family struggling to get through the easiest of tasks because it was how he died.

Connor killed himself. Overdosed on pills in the park, where someone had found him passed out by a tree. The only thing he had on him was a note addressed to Evan Hansen, the boy he had pushed to the ground the first day of school when he had laughed at how awkward the situation was.

Zoe had seen it all happen. Evan tried to deny it, tried to say that it was because he said something and he really deserved the shove. But Zoe knew better. Connor wasn’t a nice person. Connor didn’t have friends. And if he did, Evan Hansen wouldn’t have been one of them.

She returned to school almost two weeks after his death, ignoring the sympathetic looks people gave her and the small words her teachers would throw around about how sorry they were. She ignored the fact that people whispered about Connor, whispered about how she was a stuck up bitch and she was part of the reason Connor had killed himself. It’s ironic that they want to act like it’s her fault and that they were friends with him and they’re super torn up about him being dead because they had no idea he needed help, because Zoe knows it’s partially their fault he’s dead. They made fun of him, they stopped inviting him to things, they made him isolate himself.

Connor killed himself because no one helped him. Connor killed himself because he didn’t want to live anymore. Connor killed himself because he felt alone.

If it were up to her, Zoe would start school again as if nothing had happened, without the stares and the small comments and the piles of excused work she had missed while she was out. She wouldn’t have to tell her teachers that she’s fine, she could ignore the fact that Connor dying is by far the worst thing to ever happen to her.

If she had to admit that, she’s pretty sure she’d never stop crying.

Her first major project when she arrives back at school is a project in history, a class mixed with seniors and juniors. A few of the guys that Connor had been friends with in middle school were in her class, but thankfully her teacher had paired her with Alana Beck, who in the grand scheme of things was harmless.

She always gave Zoe these sad, sympathetic eyes when she would look at her during class, and she had sort of take control of this whole Connor Project thing that she, Evan and Jared had been working on, but overall she was harmless. She would put her head down, work on her AP homework and talk about all the volunteering she did on the weekend, and Zoe figures she’s the better option to be paired with compared to the boys that had ditched Connor when he was in 7th grade.

Zoe says that they can work on the project at her house and immediately regrets it after. Her house has been tense since the funeral, her parents are constantly short with each other, and showing that off to Alana for more than a few minutes at a time seems dumb to Zoe. But Alana had been over before and before Zoe can say no or offer to meet her at the library or something instead Alana is agreeing, writing her number down on a piece of paper so Zoe can text her and tell her her number.

Cynthia seems ecstatic that Zoe is having Alana over for something other than the Connor Project. She offers to go out and buy them snacks or bake something, but Zoe just shakes her head and says they’ll stop for something on the way home. Cynthia looks defeated at that, Zoe thinks about just letting her bake something even though it’ll be awful just to make her feel better, but Cynthia just nods and ends up picking up cookies from the bakery anyway, so Zoe can’t be too mad.

Connor’s bedroom door had been shut since his death. No one has been in it, mostly because if they had opened the door it’s like it’ll become real that Connor is gone, and Cynthia would probably never stop crying again. Zoe didn’t think she had the strength to go in there and look at her brother’s room, mostly because it’s a stark reminder that he isn’t here and it’s their fault and this probably could have been avoided if someone would’ve just helped him.

Alana follows Zoe down the hallway upstairs, and thankfully doesn’t comment on the shut door. It’s like she knew, Zoe thinks, and as she leads Alana into her room and shuts the door behind her, Zoe is thankful that they didn’t have to talk about her brother for once in her life.

“I missed part of the chapter that he taught for this project, so I’ve been trying to catch up to help you with the one part of the project,” Zoe says once they’ve both pulled out their things. Alana looks up from her notebook and gives her this small smile, nodding.

“You can copy my notes if you want. I made sure to take detailed notes so that we’d be able to do this project to the best of our abilities,” She says quickly, holding her notebook out for Zoe to take.

She spends most of the afternoon copying Alana’s insanely detailed notes word for word, mostly because the test isn’t going to be something she asks to be excused from just because she didn’t learn half of it.

She’s done with the sympathy from everyone around her just because her brother is dead. She figures the faster she goes back to acting like things are normal, the faster the special treatment stops.

“I was thinking we could work on the photo portion of the project this afternoon, and then worry about the paper portion another day. They’re going to have to be detailed if we want to get a good grade on things,” Alana says idly, which Zoe nods to because she’s the first person who’s not making it seem like the only thing they can talk about before they do anything else is Connor.

Alana leaves just before dinner, respectfully declining Cynthia’s insistence that she should stay for dinner. Zoe wants to tell her it’s a smart move, but Alana is one of those overly polite people who would probably think it’s rude that Zoe says her mom’s cooking sucks, so she refrains, instead only saying that she’ll text her to set up another time to work on the project again when she understands the notes more.

“I’m really glad that you and Alana are working on this project together honey,” Cynthia smiles when Zoe walks back into the kitchen. She seems like she’s going to cry, but Zoe thinks that’s what she constantly looks like now. Just ready to cry at any moment.

Zoe nods, walking over to help her get the rest of dinner ready. “Yeah, me too,” She says quietly.

Cynthia doesn’t say anything else, but Zoe knows there’s a lot lingering on her mind. Zoe figures they’ll save it for another day.

—

The project ends up taking a million more meetings and revisions of the paper portion of their project so many times that Zoe thinks everything sounds wrong at this point, but she made it through a month of her brother being dead and most people had stopped looking at her weird or saying things about how sad it was that he was dead, and so she’s planning on focusing on the positives.

The Connor Project was up and running now, with mild support from the school and community. They had plans to reopen the orchard after putting on a school-wide assembly that really felt like a memorial to Connor than anything else, but people seemed interested and Alana had mentioned a few times that they were really getting closer to their fundraising goal. Zoe never said too much about it, just said how nice it was that she was doing this. She had declined to be involved in any capacity from the beginning, and she didn’t plan on changing that.

Alana didn’t really bring up Connor when they were working on the project, but the further they got along into it and the more time that had passed the more lost Zoe felt.

She thought only doing the work and not worrying about anything else would help her feel better. But now it’s been a month and the stark realization that her brother isn’t magically coming back, that she’s never going to see him alive again is hitting her harder than ever, and she doesn’t know how she’s just supposed to go one from here.

The Connor Project is what’s keeping his memory alive, but Zoe can’t bring herself to help out.

She glances at Alana, who’s typing up the last of the written portion of their project, her eyes flicking from the notes back to the computer screen at a rate that hurts Zoe’s brain. Zoe opens her mouth to say something, but realizes that she isn’t sure how she’s supposed to word it. So she just sort of sits there staring at Alana like maybe she has all the answers to just make Zoe’s whole life better in an instant.

“Do you think grief ever just goes away?” Zoe asks abruptly, and Alana’s fingers stop moving along the keys at a rapid pace and the room is quiet and Zoe just — she wishes she hadn’t said anything at all.

“I think it takes time,” Alana finally replies, her words careful and calculated as she looks up over the top of the laptop to watch Zoe. “I don’t know when it happens, but when I lost my grandmother this summer I felt bad about it for months. It still hurts sometimes, to know she isn’t here. But I don’t think it’s just going to click one day and you’ll just stop missing him and be over it like it didn’t even happen.”

Zoe nods, wanting to say that she doesn’t think losing a grandmother is the same as losing a brother, but Alana is trying to be helpful and she knows she didn’t mean it to be this big comparison thing, and so Zoe just lets it go, lets it sit in the air as if that really did help her.

“I guess I just feel so lost,” Zoe says, trying to go back to editing the last few parts of her project that have been laying on her lap. “Connor and I didn’t get along. We — a lot had happened between us. And I guess I thought that I’d be sad for a little while but eventually it wouldn’t hurt as bad, but it just. It still hurts. And I guess I miss him more than I thought I would, especially after the… the note he left with Evan. Now I just sort of fumble around between missing my brother and wanting to be so angry that he did this. That he just — that he killed himself.”

There’s a silence in the room, but it’s not uncomfortable and Zoe knows that she just needs to get this all off her chest now before it’s too late. “I guess,” She begins, tapping her pen against the papers as she lets the tears blur her eyes, “I guess I just don’t know who I am without him here.”

Alana looks at Zoe with this face that says she’s sympathetic and a little heartbroken as to what Zoe had just admitted to, but she doesn’t say anything at first and instead just reaches out to rest her hand against Zoe’s while Zoe stares at her chipped nail polish, willing herself to magically have superpowers so she could disappear from this whole conversation.

“It’s normal to feel a little lost, I think,” Alana finally says. “You didn’t know a life without him, and his death was sudden. If it were my brother I think I’d feel really lost without him there, too.”

Zoe sits up a little straighter, setting the pages down on her bed and feverishly shaking her head. “No, you don’t understand,” She whispers, but it comes out more rude than she would’ve liked and she’s almost impressed that Alana doesn’t give up and say that they’ll just finish the project another day because she’s being unreasonable. “Connor and I weren’t close. At all. And now he’s gone and I knew I’d be sad about it for a while, but feeling lost? It’s not like we were best friends, I just don’t understand what makes me feel so lost about this.”

Alana’s silent for a minute, but her lips are pressed in a thin line and Zoe can tell she’s carefully choosing her words to reply with because if she says something wrong Zoe will probably chew her head off even worse this time.

“You may not have been close the last few years,” She begins, staring at her laptop screen instead of Zoe, “but Connor wouldn’t — I don’t think Connor would want you to feel like this. He probably thought he was doing you guys a favor. He seems like he was really hurting, Zoe, and I think maybe he thought that you would be happier if he wasn’t here anymore. At least that’s what he made it sound like.”

Zoe bites her lip, trying to will herself not to cry in front of this girl she’s only really known a few months, but a tear lands on her hand and it’s really just impossible to stop them at this point. “That note made it feel like it was my fault. If we could’ve just — if I could’ve found a way to not be such a bitch to him and realize he was hurting, maybe he would’ve lived or he would’ve like, opened up to me.”

Zoe doesn’t feel Alana scramble across the bed to sit next to her, but her arm wraps around her and Zoe finds herself letting the tears fall, her head resting against Alana’s shoulder as if they had known each other all their lives.

“All of this is awful and horrible and I wish you didn’t have to go through it, but Zoe, this was _not_ your fault,” Alana says. Her words are firm, but Zoe finds herself shaking her head anyway, pulling away to look back at her.

“No, you don’t understand,” She begins quickly, but it comes out as a blubbering mess and even she cringes when she sniffles and dramatically wipes her eyes from the sheer amount of tears that had been built up. “I _knew_ he was fucked up. I knew he was going through a hard time, and I made it worse. I called him a psycho and laughed when my friends would make fun of him, and he knew that. I could’ve insisted my parents take him to doctors, I could’ve talked to him or got him help at school, and I just didn’t.”

Zoe doesn’t know an Alana that doesn’t exude confidence when she’s talking about things. But now she looks at her and Alana just nods and looks a little lost, and Zoe is half waiting for her to just run out at this point. “Have you been to the cemetery since the funeral?”

Zoe just furrows her eyebrows, completely caught off guard by the question. She doesn’t understand why this matters right now, why her going to the cemetery would make her feel less guilty. “No?” She finally says, but it comes out as more of a question and so she just shakes her head quickly, using the heel of her hand to rub at her tears. “I mean, once. When his um, when his headstone was put in? But I stayed for like two minutes and then went back and sat in the car while they all stared at it like it was going to change.”

Alana nods, shutting the lid of her laptop. “I think maybe if you go talk to him it may help you start to forgive yourself a little. Did you want to go now? Only if you’re comfortable.”

Alana was well aware she was walking a fine line on what was appropriate or not, but Zoe didn’t seem too put off by it and instead just nodded, resting her notes on her bed and grabbing her shoes.

Alana drove to the cemetery, Zoe giving her weak instructions once they were through the gates back to where Connor’s grave was. Alana pulled her car over to the side, shifting it into park and shutting it off before she looked over at Zoe. “I can go with you if you want. Or you don’t even have to go see him at all,” She tries, because now that they’re sitting here Alana can kind of see that maybe this wasn’t the best approach.

“Do you mind just waiting here?” Zoe finally says, looking over at Alana as she just smiles, nodding quickly. “I’ll try to be quick,” She says, reaching to unbuckle her seatbelt.

Alana rests her hand on Zoe’s arm, forcing Zoe to look up at her. “Take your time. You need this.”

Zoe nods, opening her door and carefully stepping out onto the slightly wet grass from the rain earlier that morning.

Walking down the aisle of headstones brings back a million memories all at once. Zoe can remember the day of the funeral so clearly, where they followed the casket down the row to it’s final resting place. Her parents had been holding hands, her mom lightly weeping and her dad remaining stoic. She stood on the other side of her father, arms crossed in front of her as she struggled to find any of this real.

Now she comes to a stop at the resting place that now has a headstone, leaning down and ignoring the mud seeping through her jeans on her knees. Her hands run along the cool granite, struggling to figure out how this was supposed to help her at all.

“I’m sorry that I was an awful sister,” She begins, but her words are shaky and she’s dangerously close to crying again that it scares her. “I’m sorry that I didn’t make Mom and Dad get you help sooner. I’m sorry that I made fun of you and laughed along with my friends when I knew it hurt your feelings,” She’s rattling them off quickly now, pausing to take a shaky breath. “I should’ve been better. I could’ve been better. And I want you to know that if you blame me, I wouldn’t blame you.”

Her hands rest against her jeans, biting her lip as the tears begin to fall again. “I miss you, Con. And your note just makes me wish you could be back and I could do this all differently. We could’ve — I could’ve been better. And I can’t take it back now, but maybe one day I’ll be able to move past this and I won’t blame myself so much.”

She stands up, staring back at the headstone one final time. “Love you, Connor. I’ll try to come back,” She says, turning on her heels and walking back to the car before she says anything else.

Alana looks up from her phone when the car door opens, smiling softly. “Okay?” She asks, but Zoe just nods and doesn’t say anything, and that alone is enough for Alana to realize that it’s definitely _not_ okay, but Zoe doesn’t want to talk about it.

They drive back to Zoe’s house in silence, moving back upstairs to finish up their project. Zoe never opens up about going to see Connor’s grave, and Alana doesn’t ask. But Zoe does go to bed that night feeling a little lighter, a little less blame resting on her shoulders for the first time in over a month. She only wakes up twice, which alone is a feat.

They get their project back three weeks later, a giant red A staring back at them at the top of the page. Alana is overjoyed and Zoe smiles, feeling a little bit more like herself with each passing grade.

She doesn’t tell anyone that she stops by the cemetery on her way home to tell Connor she got a good grade. She makes a promise to Connor that she’ll thank Alana for this, leaves a single flower just beneath his headstone, and decides that this can be their little secret.

For a moment, Zoe thinks she’s going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> this is what happens when i have writer's block and just sort of...spill all this out. i've always loved the idea of Zoe and Alana being friends in a roundabout sort of way, and i've been working on this idea for what feels like months before i was even remotely happy with it omg. hope you guys like it as well :)
> 
> you can talk to me on tumblr if you'd like: for-f0rever.tumblr.com :)
> 
> thank you for reading :)


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